Gamer Grieving

I haven’t blogged in over a month. I also have not been streaming. I feel bad for disappearing on everyone like this, but I’ve been going through a tough time lately. I’m going to be very real in this blog entry and if you want to skip reading it I really do understand.

My cat Twinkie, my pet, my baby, my familiar, my best friend… passed away on November 1st.

It was sudden. I learned too late that she had been suffering from heart disease, and she went into cardiac arrest multiple times at the end of October. When she was no longer responding to treatment at the vet’s office, they said that putting her to sleep was the only option. It was one of the most brutal and painful things I’ve ever experienced. I lost my best buddy and I’ve been completely broken without her.

Everyone says it’s not my fault, but I am filled with guilt and regret for not knowing that my cat was unwell. I learned after the fact that there were warning signs that I hadn’t recognized, such as coughing. I always thought it was hairball related, I had no idea that it was a warning sign of a serious problem. But in hindsight, I know that Twinkie had coughed every once in a while. I didn’t know it was a serious thing. Maybe if I had known, she could have been on medication, and she could still be here today. I feel horrible about this and it makes me hate myself. I don’t want to do social things. I don’t want to stream and put on a show. I want to be alone.

My friends have noticed my withdrawal from social activities and have been trying to cheer me up in their own ways, but there isn’t really anything that anyone can say or do. I’ve been trying to work through the pain with meditation, which has been difficult to say the least, because I keep focusing on sad feelings. I switched my tarot deck to Pagan Cat tarot so that I can get little surprise visits from her via orange cats on some of the cards. I have a little Pound Purry stuffed animal that I had purchased when Twinkie was a kitten bc they looked alike. Now I hug it and cry when I miss her. It fucking sucks.

When you’re grieving, I think it’s okay to want to be alone. Everyone deals with death differently. Whether it’s a person or an animal, if you lived with them they were part of your daily schedule. Having that void in your life deeply affects you. It’s been over a month and I still cry every day. For me, keeping my mind busy is the best way to not fall into the guilt depression spiral. Obviously, that means gaming.

If you recall, Luigi’s Mansion 3 came out for Nintendo Switch on Halloween. I was nervous about playing it at first, because of the whole Luigi and Polterpup relationship. Would I be able to handle watching Luigi snuggle with his little buddy, while I was missing mine?

But then I realized it was actually perfect for my situation. Polterpup is a ghost dog. Luigi is missing his buddy just as much as I am. He might be snuggling Polterpup and petting him, but that dog is a ghost. He used to be alive and maybe was Luigi’s real dog once. It made me feel better about playing the game. There were many tender moments between Luigi and Polterpup, since the cute ghost doggo had a larger role in this game than he had in the 3DS storyline. They were always heartwarming moments and I ended up really liking those cut scenes throughout the game.

Luigi’s Mansion 3 was also just like a really awesome game, so it was a great distraction to keep me busy. The graphics and animation are gorgeous and the levels are creative and filled with fun puzzles. I completed the game in just a couple of days, although my initial final encounter with King Boo only resulted in a C rank grade at the end. So I went back to my last save point, and I’ve been working on collecting all of the gems hidden throughout each level. Since then, Pokemon Sword and Shield came out, and now I’ve certainly got my hands full with games to play in my free time.

So I’m just kind of taking it day by day and trying to do my best. People say that “it gets easier over time” but that’s not exactly how it works. The pain never goes away. You just get better at coping without your loved one over time. You get better at hiding your pain and internalizing it.

Sorry for the downer post but I really needed to get that out of my system. I figure it’s only fair to be open about what’s going on with me and where I’ve been. This is my blog after all, and sometimes you just need to go into full on journal mode, right?

Thank you for reading. And if you have a pet, please get them pet insurance. I have been dealing with some serious final expense bills from the vet visits, which could have been avoided. So many things could have been handled better in hindsight. I’m trying not to beat myself up too much but without my emotional support animal, I don’t even know what to do.

I miss you Minx. I love you.

10 thoughts on “Gamer Grieving

  1. Reblogged this on Magical BookLush and commented:
    I know you would like to stay alone for now but I just want to help you gamer. Everyone, one of our fellow community member is going through a big loss and crisis and as a family, it is our duty to help her out. Come on everyone lets talk to her and encourage, motivate and support her to blog more. This community is full of love lets spread it to out to those who need it. Gamer, we support you. I am sorry for your loss but i love your blog and would love to see more posts.

  2. I am so sorry for your loss gamer. Please don’t be sad. I lost my grandfather too and it was all of a sudden. I feel your pain. I still miss him and the house feels empty without him. I am so glad to have you back. Please feel great and forgive yourself. You know sometimes we feel that it’s our fault but the truth is never the same. My grandfather died due to breathlessness and my dad always wishes that he called the doctor early. I am sorry again. But I am with you. Please take care of yourself. Love your blog. Looking forward to more posts. 😞🙂🥰✌

    1. gluxbox

      Thank you for the encouragement. The people around me are afraid to talk about this bc they don’t want to make me cry… but I still need to hear this stuff sometimes. Thank you for doing that, and thank you for reblogging my post. I’m glad I’m not alone in this pain. It’s so hard to look back and think about what I should have done differently. I’m so sorry for the loss of your grandfather. Hopefully we can both heal and cope over time… 😦

      1. You are most welcome. They shouldn’t be, you should cry and let it out. I know it’s stupid advice but that’s what I did. It will make you feel so light. You are most welcome glux, you need help and I just want everyone to support you in hard times because that’s exactly what a family is for. It was not your fault so you should calm down and think about it. Trust me I know it’s hard but remembers it’s not your fault. Don’t think about what you could have done differently and think of the memories you had with your lovely kitty. It’s okay. I do miss him but it can’t be changed. Yes, we can and I am here for you. Just comment and tell me when you need me.

  3. I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t think you should blame yourself as Twinkie’s symptoms easily were attributable to things like hairballs. I lost my precious Pomeranian Lacey back in 2014, and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of her, so I know how painful and difficult this time is for you. Just hang in there. Things will get better.

    1. gluxbox

      It’s so hard bc some people don’t understand and are like, “It was just a cat” and it makes me feel like my grief is immature or something. I just try to ignore those people…

  4. I’m sorry for your loss and I hope that you are doing well. I can sympathize with where your coming from with losing a pet because it’s like losing a child in a way. Pets are still family too. I can understand if you really weren’t into streaming or playing games after your cat passed, I know it’s hard to be happy or do the things that make you happy when you are grieving a lost loved on.

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