I haven’t blogged in over a month. I also have not been streaming. I feel bad for disappearing on everyone like this, but I’ve been going through a tough time lately. I’m going to be very real in this blog entry and if you want to skip reading it I really do understand.

My cat Twinkie, my pet, my baby, my familiar, my best friend… passed away on November 1st.

It was sudden. I learned too late that she had been suffering from heart disease, and she went into cardiac arrest multiple times at the end of October. When she was no longer responding to treatment at the vet’s office, they said that putting her to sleep was the only option. It was one of the most brutal and painful things I’ve ever experienced. I lost my best buddy and I’ve been completely broken without her.

Everyone says it’s not my fault, but I am filled with guilt and regret for not knowing that my cat was unwell. I learned after the fact that there were warning signs that I hadn’t recognized, such as coughing. I always thought it was hairball related, I had no idea that it was a warning sign of a serious problem. But in hindsight, I know that Twinkie had coughed every once in a while. I didn’t know it was a serious thing. Maybe if I had known, she could have been on medication, and she could still be here today. I feel horrible about this and it makes me hate myself. I don’t want to do social things. I don’t want to stream and put on a show. I want to be alone.

My friends have noticed my withdrawal from social activities and have been trying to cheer me up in their own ways, but there isn’t really anything that anyone can say or do. I’ve been trying to work through the pain with meditation, which has been difficult to say the least, because I keep focusing on sad feelings. I switched my tarot deck to Pagan Cat tarot so that I can get little surprise visits from her via orange cats on some of the cards. I have a little Pound Purry stuffed animal that I had purchased when Twinkie was a kitten bc they looked alike. Now I hug it and cry when I miss her. It fucking sucks.

When you’re grieving, I think it’s okay to want to be alone. Everyone deals with death differently. Whether it’s a person or an animal, if you lived with them they were part of your daily schedule. Having that void in your life deeply affects you. It’s been over a month and I still cry every day. For me, keeping my mind busy is the best way to not fall into the guilt depression spiral. Obviously, that means gaming.

If you recall, Luigi’s Mansion 3 came out for Nintendo Switch on Halloween. I was nervous about playing it at first, because of the whole Luigi and Polterpup relationship. Would I be able to handle watching Luigi snuggle with his little buddy, while I was missing mine?

But then I realized it was actually perfect for my situation. Polterpup is a ghost dog. Luigi is missing his buddy just as much as I am. He might be snuggling Polterpup and petting him, but that dog is a ghost. He used to be alive and maybe was Luigi’s real dog once. It made me feel better about playing the game. There were many tender moments between Luigi and Polterpup, since the cute ghost doggo had a larger role in this game than he had in the 3DS storyline. They were always heartwarming moments and I ended up really liking those cut scenes throughout the game.

Luigi’s Mansion 3 was also just like a really awesome game, so it was a great distraction to keep me busy. The graphics and animation are gorgeous and the levels are creative and filled with fun puzzles. I completed the game in just a couple of days, although my initial final encounter with King Boo only resulted in a C rank grade at the end. So I went back to my last save point, and I’ve been working on collecting all of the gems hidden throughout each level. Since then, Pokemon Sword and Shield came out, and now I’ve certainly got my hands full with games to play in my free time.

So I’m just kind of taking it day by day and trying to do my best. People say that “it gets easier over time” but that’s not exactly how it works. The pain never goes away. You just get better at coping without your loved one over time. You get better at hiding your pain and internalizing it.

Sorry for the downer post but I really needed to get that out of my system. I figure it’s only fair to be open about what’s going on with me and where I’ve been. This is my blog after all, and sometimes you just need to go into full on journal mode, right?

Thank you for reading. And if you have a pet, please get them pet insurance. I have been dealing with some serious final expense bills from the vet visits, which could have been avoided. So many things could have been handled better in hindsight. I’m trying not to beat myself up too much but without my emotional support animal, I don’t even know what to do.

I miss you Minx. I love you.